Washington, D.C.

This weekend James and I will be attending the American capital, Washington, D.C. We are very excited! Friday we drive down and it should take us about 9-10 hours if all goes well and we don't get lost! We leave on July 4, so hopefully the traffic won't be too bad!

My question for all those who read my blog is: if you have been to Washington, what MUST we see? What was the best thing you saw and why? Neither James nor I are American, so some of the memorials may not speak to us as strongly as those of you who are.

James is most excited about see the Vietnam Veterans War Memorial by Maya Lin. It should be fascinating. The Vietnam Veterans Memorial is possibly the most poignant sight in Washington: two long, black-granite walls in the shape of a V, each inscribed with the names of the men and women who gave their lives, or remain missing, in the longest war in American history. Yale senior Maya Lin's design was chosen in a national competition open to all citizens over 18 years of age. The two walls are angled at 125 degrees to point to the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Memorial. The wall's mirror-like surface reflects surrounding trees, lawns, and monuments. The names are inscribed in chronological order, documenting an epoch in American history as a series of individual sacrifices from the date of the first casualty in 1959. The National Park Service continues to add names over the years, of those Vietnam veterans who die eventually of injuries sustained during the war.

I was asked to post a picture of a steel warrior that James made for his former high school. James welded this together over the course of about 6-8 hours (in the middle of the night). It is a life-sized sculpture. I'd love to hear your comments about it (and I'm sure he would too!)

Captivating: Chapter Two
What Eve Alone Can Tell

Again, I'm finding it hard to put in words what I felt about this chapter. I guess I should just say that I have my reservations about some of what was said, but really enjoyed others. I'll start with my critique and end with my praise.

Firstly, I disagreed with the authors that God needs us. I agree that the Lord longs us to desire Him (and I'll get to that later), but the idea of the Lord being needy is a bit of a stretch. I've been more of the belief that the God can accomplish all His plans and goals with or without me. He doesn't need me, rather I need Him. And for the same reason, I've had a hard time with another key concept throughout the book that came out of the first chapter, in that woman are to play an irreplaceable role in an adventure. Perhaps in my husband's life, or my family and friends' lives, I play some sort of irreplaceable role... but am I irreplaceable to God?

This sounds a bit like I have feelings of low self-worth... however, I've always believed and I think taught as well, that God can choose to use me in a big plan in a big way. If I rely on Him, then He may use me, but if I do not follow His way or do as He desires - He can and will accomplish His goals without me. God may desire me to be the one to carry out His will, but if I don't, He will find another way. So I am a little confused about this irreplaceable role thing...

Secondly, I'm not sure what the authors are trying to say through their comments on how Eve is always depicted at rest. Does this mean that women are supposed to be passive and idle? They link this restfulness to the idea that Eve speaks something different than Adam to the world: through her beauty. I realize that beauty does carry some power with it, as the Eldridges discuss... but I find it hard to believe that it is as powerful as they would have the reader believe.

They state that beauty speaks - and it says "all is well". Really? Can't there be beauty and chaos in the same moment or at the same time? When I look at a thunder storm I find it beautiful, but it doesn't say to me that all is well. It says, watch out! here comes a storm!

And I fully agree that beauty also, invites, nourishes, comforts, inspires and is transcendant, but to me, I just still don't get what the real point or "golden nugget" is that the authors want me to pull out of this. That I should just pursue beauty (inside and out) and live a restful life and "all will be well". Maybe I missed something in this part of the chapter, but I just did not understand the real point they were trying to make.

Time for some praise. There were two great things that I gathered out of this chapter - pursuing God more fervently and that the chatter of woman is not a negative thing, but points to relationships.

I have no doubt in my mind that God wants to be sought after. He wants the desires of my heart to reflect the desire of His own. He doesn't need it to be this way, but He does want it. He is a jealous God, who wants me to be "fiercely devoted" to Him, and I long to be more devoted to Him and to pursue His desires more diligently and fervently.

I also liked the discussion of women and how women care so much about relationships. At first when I read this section on p. 27 where John Eldridge speaks of how his wife Stasi always knows who is dating who and whose feelings have been hurt, I thought - what a poor image of women. We sound like big gossips. And... many of us are. Yet, some good can come out of the fact that we share so much so openly with one another and that is, that meaningful relationships are formed between women, and between women and men.

These relationships are powerful and also empowering. I care so much about maintaining these relationships. If I cared as much about my relationship with God, I would likely be more on my way to making His desires my own. Building and growing relationships is a trait of women that is special and should be encouraged and fostered. I am so thankful for this part of my character and I pray that it will continue to be used for good.

I'm still not convinced that I love this study - but I do love what I am learning from the other women in it. I'm looking forward to hearing all the comments... and remember that I love your honesty when you post comments and will not take offense to any arguments and disagreements you may have.

As some of you may know, we were asked by Angus Glen (the golf club where we were married) if they could use our wedding pictures in their upcoming marketing campaign and we said YES! Soo... here is one of the ads. It is still in draft mode, so the images are not at a very high resolution. That's us in the middle and the black and white one in the bottom left is also ours! So fun!

Christ's Advocate

I spent the day today in the Ontario Court of Appeal. I have been researching and helping the lawyers prepare for this day for two weeks and it finally came. Today was a special day in court, because it was the day where accused people who were convicted could appeal their sentence or convictions. The spin on the appeals was that the accused (appellants) were unrepresented by defence counsel... meaning that they had to do the appeals themselves or rely on duty counsel.

(Duty counsel = a lawyer who is not retained/hired by the accused/appellant, but will still speak on their behalf; usually with very little preparation or knowledge into the case).

I was amazed to hear some of the arguments put forward. "My sentence is too harsh" from one man who had been previously convicted 12 times, of driving with a disqualified license. What a menace to other drivers on the road! At the same time, there was a part of me who couldn't help feeling badly for some of these men (I can say men because today all of the appellants were men... not a single woman, except for the prosecutors!). I have to wonder about their upbringing. I doubt many were given the same opportunities that I was given.

And I found myself judging them and I was so ashamed of myself. In my role as a student at the prosecutors' office, it is my job to assist the lawyers in seeking justice. As a Crown attorney, we do not seek convictions, but rather ensure that all accused are given access to a fair trial and the justice system. It is clearly not in the interests of the public to secure a conviction where the accused is innocent, and so, where there is not enough evidence, an accused should be acquitted.

Unfortunately for most of the men in court today, they were all guilty and then sentences they were serving, were appropriate and fit, given their circumstances. But again, I was disappointed in myself for judging them for the wrongs they had committed. It is not my place to point fingers at them. Our justice system is punishing them, and ultimately, they may meet an even harsher punishment. So in the afternoon, instead of judging the inmates that were brought in to argue their cases, I prayed for them - one by one. I prayed for reformation, rehabilitation and renewal.

More and more I believe that the Lord has not only given me the gift of advocacy and being opinionative and assertive for my future career, but maybe he has given me this gift to fight for injustice in other places. Currently, my church is having a series on living for Christ 24/7. Members of the church have been asked by the speaker, Bryan Karney, to talk about what that means to them in their daily life and even in their careers. My dad was asked to speak at the first service on this topic. My father is a criminal defence lawyer and many find it difficult to understand how he manages to defend people who have committed some pretty horrible crimes.

To this, my father compared his role as a defence lawyer to Jesus' role as an advocate for the weak and poor, to the unwanted and unloved and to those who were social outcasts. Jesus did not judge these people... he prayed with and for them. In my job, I know I will encounter some pretty awful people who have done some pretty awful things, but I pray that I will be able to approach them as Jesus did, with compassion and a prayerful heart. And, what's more, someday, maybe the Lord will see fit to use my as His own advocate - proclaiming and arguing the truth of His Word and His Message.

Captivating: Chapter One

As probably one of the last to post, I've enjoyed reading the comments of the other women in the Bible study. We are all at such different places and being only 24 I feel like I have so much to learn still about myself, about who God wants me to be...

I have to admit - this post has taken me a long time to write. I have written out my thoughts and then erased them several times now... and I'm not really sure why that is. Was I not thinking about the chapter enough when I read it? Should I have taken better notes. It just seems that every time I write something about the book, it just isn't what I really want to say.

So... I'm just going to simply write - instead of thinking first. This could go horribly wrong and I apologize in advance if I step on toes or am not as articulate as I should be.

I really related to the posts of BooMama and Becky. I've felt for a long time like I don't fit the mold of the "proper" church woman. I would not describe myself as gracious, quiet, gentle or polite (though I do have those qualities, they are definitely not at the forefront of my character). I don't cook, I do not "manage a well-run household" and I don't plan on being a stay at home mom. Instead, I have been told for most of my life that I am too opinionative, too loud, too giggly, too argumentative, or too assertive. When I tell people that I want to be a criminal lawyer, they look at me like I am crazy because dealing with issues like murder, assault, fraud and rape are not something that good church women deal with.

Over the years, I am realizing more and more, that God did not create me to be quiet and passive. He made me bold and fearless. This has not always made me the most popular person in different circles, as I am quick to voice disagreement... but I am also quick to praise and encourage. So I really related to the part in the book where the authors wrote that there "is something fierce in the heart of a woman". I feel that!

And yet, even though I have come to accept that God made me this beautifully fierce and bold woman, there is this shame that hangs over my head when I tell people that I want a career and that when I have children, I'm not going to stay at home. Now, it is important to note, that kids for James and I are not "planned" to happen for a little while yet... we aren't in a rush to have kids... and since we are both in our mid-20s... we have lots of time. And also, it is more likely that James will stay home after my year of maternity leave with our children since he does want to get his Masters, and even as a teacher, will have a more flexible schedule than I will.

My mom was a stay at home mom. I loved having my mom at home - it was awesome to come home to a house with my mother there to make lunch, give a quick hug, or hear all about the stories of the day at school. I am so thankful, that my mom was always home for dinner and if I became ill at school, I knew she was only a phone call away and that she would come and pick me up. My mother, a lawyer herself, gave up her own legal career for her children. What is greater than that?

And so, I am overcome with shame when I say to people, "no, I plan to continue working once I have children." Why is that? Is it the role of the woman to work or stay at home? The Proverbs 31 woman worked, so why am I so ashamed that I want to do the same? Is it shameful to not sacrifice my career for my children? Is it possible that the Lord actually would want me to work and James to stay at home? I think that the role of a stay at home parent, is more difficult and more sacrificial than any other job/career/vocation... and probably more rewarding as well. But then what am I doing right now with these 7 years of education (and possibly more), if I am just going to throw it away?

I guess this first chapter just stirred some questions in me that I thought I had answered; that I thought God had answered. Now I feel more uncertain than ever...

Still a Christian?

My dad recently gave me the newest Rebecca St. James album. I have been listening to her since I was in high school and have always enjoyed her music. James, surprisingly, doesn't mind listening to her as well. So, this morning, on the way to the subway station, I suggested we put it on. While I've only heard the first few songs, I would definitely recommend it!

As we were listening, James asked, "So is she (Rebecca St. James) still a Christian?" Now I don't know Rebecca St. James personally, but her faith can be heard loud and clear through the lyrics of her songs. I said yes, but his question stopped me for a moment. I realized that I find myself asking that same question about people all the time. I'm sure that some people have even asked that question about me.

My heart ached as I silently went through a list of people who I had once known as such strong and faithful Christians, who now either ignore their inheritance of the heavenly kingdom or denounce it entirely. I wanted to cry out: "Why Lord? Why do You let us stray? When will Your children come home?"

As I indicated in an earlier entry, I have recently come through a time of disbelief. I know that God used this time to teach me so much about myself and teach me to be obedient to Him and Him only. During my "disbelief", I always felt God was still near. He consoled me in my brokenness and my loneliness without James and He smiled and celebrated with me in my successes. I also knew that when I denied Him, He felt betrayed and I was filled with guilt and shame, but pushed those feelings aside. But now, as I really think to those time when I was walking alone, the Lord was always there softly nudging me, whispering in my ear, and gently pulling on my arm to walk in His steps again.

I wonder now, if He is doing the same with some of my friends who have drifted away. I pray that He is.

So Scurred..

Today I was in court all day for work observing provincial prosecutions. Provincial prosecutions generally include highway traffic offences (ie: speeding, careless driving, driving without insurance, not stopping at a red light, etc.).

Apparently, after observing this court two times, I am now ready to do my own prosecutions in a week. That's right - I will be entering people into guilty pleas, making submissions, handing out fines and likely even doing small trials.

This leads me to the title of today's entry. I am a little uneasy about this as I do not feel prepared at all! I know that at the end of the day, I can handle myself and it will be a great learning experience; however, that doesn't mean that my knees will not go weak! I hope that God will have an open ear on the 22nd, because I am going to be praying all day long!

Let the re-blogging begin.

It is amazing how God works. You always hear people say that His timing is perfect and I couldn't agree more. This morning, on the subway ride into work I was praying. Praying on the subway is great because it is generally quiet and people don't look at you strangely if your eyes are closed with your head bowed. This morning, my prayers consisted of asking that James arrive safely at work; confessing my impatience and crankiness this morning towards James as he drove me to the subway and promising God that I will apologize to James and not let my pride get in the way; asking that the Lord provide me with opportunities to talk about Him with my co-workers; and a long prayer about finding a group of Christian women to discuss the Bible with and other issues of faith.

My faith has been a struggle this year for me. I was in denial about this struggle for a long time. When I finally got out of denial, I was completely empty and broken. I knew that something wasn't right when every area of my life was going just fine, but I was so dissatisfied with what I saw.

This morning when I arrived at work, I checked Cathy's blog to see if she had updated it. She had, but I noticed something new... a link to something called "Captivating". Well - I was captivated alright! After clicking on the link, I was connected to Heather's blog, which spoke of doing an online bible study. Silently, I cried out, "thank you Lord."

I've joined the group and I pray that it will be a source of encouragement, growth and renewal for all who are involved.

On another note, it is hard to believe that I have been married for close to a year. July 9 is quickly approaching! I am so blessed to have such a loving, selfless, and patient husband!!

Sidenote: if anyone talks to James today... please direct him to my blog... once seeing my remarkable compliments he will overlook "cranky Courtney" who he had to spend 20 minutes in the car with this morning. Cheers!