Captivating: Chapter One

As probably one of the last to post, I've enjoyed reading the comments of the other women in the Bible study. We are all at such different places and being only 24 I feel like I have so much to learn still about myself, about who God wants me to be...

I have to admit - this post has taken me a long time to write. I have written out my thoughts and then erased them several times now... and I'm not really sure why that is. Was I not thinking about the chapter enough when I read it? Should I have taken better notes. It just seems that every time I write something about the book, it just isn't what I really want to say.

So... I'm just going to simply write - instead of thinking first. This could go horribly wrong and I apologize in advance if I step on toes or am not as articulate as I should be.

I really related to the posts of BooMama and Becky. I've felt for a long time like I don't fit the mold of the "proper" church woman. I would not describe myself as gracious, quiet, gentle or polite (though I do have those qualities, they are definitely not at the forefront of my character). I don't cook, I do not "manage a well-run household" and I don't plan on being a stay at home mom. Instead, I have been told for most of my life that I am too opinionative, too loud, too giggly, too argumentative, or too assertive. When I tell people that I want to be a criminal lawyer, they look at me like I am crazy because dealing with issues like murder, assault, fraud and rape are not something that good church women deal with.

Over the years, I am realizing more and more, that God did not create me to be quiet and passive. He made me bold and fearless. This has not always made me the most popular person in different circles, as I am quick to voice disagreement... but I am also quick to praise and encourage. So I really related to the part in the book where the authors wrote that there "is something fierce in the heart of a woman". I feel that!

And yet, even though I have come to accept that God made me this beautifully fierce and bold woman, there is this shame that hangs over my head when I tell people that I want a career and that when I have children, I'm not going to stay at home. Now, it is important to note, that kids for James and I are not "planned" to happen for a little while yet... we aren't in a rush to have kids... and since we are both in our mid-20s... we have lots of time. And also, it is more likely that James will stay home after my year of maternity leave with our children since he does want to get his Masters, and even as a teacher, will have a more flexible schedule than I will.

My mom was a stay at home mom. I loved having my mom at home - it was awesome to come home to a house with my mother there to make lunch, give a quick hug, or hear all about the stories of the day at school. I am so thankful, that my mom was always home for dinner and if I became ill at school, I knew she was only a phone call away and that she would come and pick me up. My mother, a lawyer herself, gave up her own legal career for her children. What is greater than that?

And so, I am overcome with shame when I say to people, "no, I plan to continue working once I have children." Why is that? Is it the role of the woman to work or stay at home? The Proverbs 31 woman worked, so why am I so ashamed that I want to do the same? Is it shameful to not sacrifice my career for my children? Is it possible that the Lord actually would want me to work and James to stay at home? I think that the role of a stay at home parent, is more difficult and more sacrificial than any other job/career/vocation... and probably more rewarding as well. But then what am I doing right now with these 7 years of education (and possibly more), if I am just going to throw it away?

I guess this first chapter just stirred some questions in me that I thought I had answered; that I thought God had answered. Now I feel more uncertain than ever...