Captivating: Chapter 6 - Healing the Wound

I posted yesterday in regards to a wound that I have kept buried deep within my heart and that needs to be healed. I finished the rest of chapter six and I rather enjoyed it. I think I've been through all of the steps suggested by the authors. I couldn't dwell too long on the "We Find Our Tears" section, as I was on the train and weeping in front of strangers didn't interest me. Fortunately (or should it say unfortunately?), I have shed many tears over this in the past. And even yesterday on the train home, it felt good to allow myself to feel those hurt feelings and to remind myself that "it mattered".

So what is the next step? Where do I go from here? Do I continue to present this wound to the Lord, to Jesus, my Saviour and Healer to fix it? The obvious answer would be yes.

What do I do about the relationship? Can it be healed? I want it to be healed. This is not a person who I can easily remove from my life or try to avoid. Instead, I come in contact with this person quite often and is someone who in many ways I admire. This is a person who belongs to the Lord and who I feel myself longing to learn from and grow and share with. But I will definitely have to be the one who takes the first step in that direction towards a friendship. But what does that first step look like?

Hidden Wounds

Finally a chapter that spoke directly to me. While I haven't completed chapter six yet (about half way through), I've read some of the posts on the chapter from other members of the study. Initially when I started this chapter, I believed that I didn't have any unhealed wounds. Through the posts I read, however, God revealed to me a wound that has yet to be healed that I have been hiding from Him and myself for awhile.

I don't want to get too personal on this or too specific (because I am not entirely sure who reads this blog), but years ago I was deeply hurt by someone who was close to me. Words were said to me that could never be taken back and I felt my heart harden towards this person. Apologies were made to me and though I believed I had forgiven this person, it has been evident over the years that I have not.

We are nice to one another. I do care about this person and I hope this person cares for me as well, but there is this wall that remains between us. I still remember those words that were spoken and some of the other hurtful actions that followed. I wanted to forgive, but I continued to hold on to the hurt and pain that had been caused to me.

I don't know how to let it go. Or at least, may I didn't until now. Chapter six seems to go into how we can heal those wounds (I'll post more about the chapter and how I think it will affect this relationship and my feelings). I want to forgive. I want to forget. I want to soften my heart and tear down that wall so that I can develop a relationship with this person in the way that the Lord desires. Oh, how I wish for God to heal this wound. To bind it up so that it no longer aches and bleeds; and to remove any scars, so there is no trace of its occurrence.

I am so thankful for the uncovering of this wound and I pray that it will heal properly, now that it has been brought to the surface.

I Love My Job and a Prayer Request

So I love my job. I don't think that everyone can say that, but I really do. Sure I have days where I come in and all I want to do is be at home or at the cottage, but ultimately, I really like this office.

The work that I get to participate in is fascinating. I am asked to do research for Crown counsel on appeals and then they argue the research that I have done before a panel of judges who may even RELY on the cases that I have found. This is pretty intense and awesome. I think that one of the reasons I love my job is because I know that what I do here matters. It not only affects the lawyers in this office; it may also affect the entire justice system and Canadian society. I feel useful, I have a purpose and meaning and I feel appreciated and affirmed. It is a great environment to work in and I'm so thankful for it.

Which is why I have a BIG prayer request to all of those prayer warriors out there. Last Friday I had to apply for articling positions. Obviously, with such a great summer experience, I want to come back to this Crown's Office. We receive phone calls on July 28 about which firms we will have interviews with and then we interview August 14-16. On the 16th, we sit by the phone and wait and wait and wait. And pray that the phone rings with a job offer that we actually want.

If I haven't been entirely clear, let me say this one more time. I love my job here at Crown Law Office - Criminal. I want to work here for my articling year. I would greatly appreciate receiving tons of prayer that I will in fact get a call from this office for articling. Pray for the interview, which is unlike most interviews. Instead, it is more like an oral exam on substantive criminal law issues - they are exhausting! Pray that if I don't get an offer from this office, that I am accepting of that, and understanding that it was not the Lord's will. Pray that I continue to make a difference here for the rest of the summer. Thanks!

Captivating: Chapter Five - A Special Hatred

Even though I haven't posted on the blog Bible study, Captivating in a little while, I didn't drop out of the group. Chapter three was posted through e-mail, because it seemed a little too personal and I couldn't find any words to describe my thoughts on Chapter four. Some other bloggers wrote on Chapter four, and you can find their posts on the sidebar.

Many of us have been struggling with this book and the principles and concepts that it promotes. There seem to be a lot of blanket generalizations, yet at the same time, hidden among the generalizations, are some pearls of wisdom.

In Chapter Five, John and Stasi Eldredge identify Satan as the reason why many women are persecuted, feel alone or fear being abandoned. Lucifer, himself, was "gorgeous" and "breathtaking" and it was his ruin. He craved the worship that was being given to God for himself. They write that the enemy bears a "special hatred" for Eve (or women) because of her beauty, her captivating beauty. He also hates Eve because she gives life.

I have to admit - I had never thought of Satan as having a special hatred for Eve, for women or even for me due to the fact that I am a woman. But when I started thinking about all of the examples that the authors provided: unwanted baby girls in China, the rapes of women during civil wars that occur, such as those that happened to the women of Sudan, sexual assaults that occur right in our own neighbourhoods, wife abuse, etc. - this "special hatred" became more visible.

I know all too well that women are very often the target of some pretty horrible things since I work for the Crown Attorney's office which prosecutes the people (most often men) who do these things. That is not to say that men are not the subject of abuse as well, but as I thought more about it, there is a very clear picture of the persecution and degradation of women throughout history that continues to this day. My heart aches and cries out for women who have been through abuse, especially sexual abuse. I cannot imagine any other sort of torture that would compare to the violation of a women's personal integrity. It is disgusting and I believe that women and men need to bind together in opposition to such treatment. Many people, however, try to shy away from discussing this intimate topic - but it exists and is a very real and active issue.

I was so thankful that the chapter was finished off with this:

"You won't really understand your life as a woman until you understand this:

You are passionately loved by the God of the universe.
You are passionately hated by his Enemy.

And so, dear heart, it is time for your restoration. For there is One greater than your Enemy. One who has sought you out from the beginning of time. He has come to heal your broken hear and restore your feminine soul.Let us turn to him now."

Praise Jesus that he is more powerful than Satan. Praise Jesus that he can heal our hearts and restore our souls. Praise Jesus that HE seeks US out, and has done so since the beginning of time. Praise Jesus that I can cast all my fears, all my worries, all my sin on him. Amen.

Case of the Fridays

Today I have a case of the Fridays. Which means that the day feels like it is dragging on forever. I have lots of work to do and have been making decent progress on it, but not today. All I want to do is go home and relax!!

And I'm looking forward to hanging out with MT again (we saw one another for coffee on Wednesday night... but I just can't get enough of her. She's a ball of laughter!)! James is at the cottage working for his dad and MT's boyfriend, WS is working this evening - so it will be just the two of us. I'm going to go over with a bottle of wine and a movie and we're going to just chill! We might go over to the bar where WS is working for a drink - but I think we'll play it by ear.

I really don't like being unproductive, but I have seriously been thinking of any way to procrastinate such as going to Boomama's blog . She's one funny Southern gal and always tells good stories.

If anyone has either any good ways to stay focused on Fridays or good ways to "discretely" procrastinate I am all ears!

Now I've Said My ABCs

I saw this on Mandy's blog and loved it. It was a fun idea so I thought I would give it a try! I tag EVERYONE to do the same!

*Accent: Canadian I guess! Do people from Ontario have a specific accent. People always tell me that I'm sooo Toronto, so maybe I have a Toronto accent. Who knows?!

* Bible Book That I Like: Uhm... probably Psalms, but I've been reading through Isaiah, and it is excellent!

* Chore I Don't Care For: Laundry. I used to love doing laundry for whatever reason, but since moving into an apartment where the laundry room is on the second floor, I find it such a pain. You will be surprised to learn, however, that James and I only did laundry ONCE in our apartment. Since he lived with his parents and then mine, I would send the laundry home with him and he did it!! What a sweetie!

* Dog or Cat: Cats, but I'm allergic. So I've resigned myself to fall in love with dogs. James promised to buy me a puppy 5 years from our wedding date and I am anxiously waiting! I want a scruffy little dog I think...something non-allergenic and he/she will be named "Gary" (but it will be spelled Gehry - after the architect).

* Essential Electronic: My laptop. If that thing ever died I would probably fail the rest of law school.

* Favorite Movie: Life as a House

* Gold or Silver: White gold. Love it, love it, love it!

* Handbag I Carry Most Often: The Coach bag my mom bought me in New York City on Canal Street!

* Insomnia: Nope.

* Job Title: Summer Law Student for Crown Law Office - Criminal of the Ministry of the Attorney General. What a mouthful!

* Kids: None - but I still feel like a kid half the time...

* Living Arrangements: Oh dear... this is a long story. Right now, I live with my husband in my parents house!! Not ideal, I know, but we didn't want to pay rent here and in my school town (London). In September, I will be living in London (for school) with a roommate, Una (Una’s fiance now lives in BC, where they will both end up when she is done this next 8 months of law school). James, who teaches closer to Toronto, will remain with my parents. After the 8 months is up, James and I will look for our own place and will FINALLY live in the same city in our own space, for the first time since being married. So crazy!

* Most Memorable Moment: July 9, 2005 - my wedding day. It was just perfect.

* Naughtiest Childhood Behavior: Being grumpy after an afternoon nap - I was a bear when I woke up from naps and was often sent back to my room. I still do not enjoy napping because when I wake up, I feel miserable.

* Overnight Hospital Stays: None.

* Phobias: Spiders and moths.

* Quotes: Anything by Maya Angelou. Here are two:

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." - Maya Angelou

"While I know myself as a creation of God, I am also obligated to realize and remember that everyone else and everything else are also God's creation." - Maya Angelou

* Religion: Christian

* Siblings: Younger brother and younger sister. My extended family through marriage, however, now includes three sisters (two older, one younger) and two brothers-in-law (one older, one younger). I love a big family!

* Time I Wake Up: 6:00am... argh.

* Unusual Talent: When I walk into any retail clothing store, I can tell you immediately what the most expensive item is and then I want it. James would argue that it is a curse more than a talent.

* Vegetables I Refuse to Eat: Olives, Mushrooms (I'm working on this one because they smell so good!), Zucchini and Eggplant. Blech!

* Worst Habit: Checking my e-mail one hundred times a day.

* X-Rays: All on my mouth. I knocked out my front tooth in grade 6 and had two root canals and an implant (titanium screw implanted into my upper jaw). Good times...

* Yummy Stuff I Cook: HAHA! Okay, I can cook some stuff - chili, stirfry, canneloni... but James is the real cook.

* Zoo Animals I Like Most: No question about it, the polar bears.

Yesterday I was out for lunch with some co-workers from the Ministry of the Attorney General. All of us are aspiring young criminal lawyers and we were out celebrating a birthday at an Indian restaurant (this was good because I had been craving butter chicken and nan!).

Near the end of the meal, somehow the topic of religion came up, specifically Scientology and Tom Cruise. This led to discussions on all religions in general and of course, Christianity entered the mix. Somehow dinosaurs came up and a comment was made that Christians could not explain dinosaurs because they were not mentioned in the Bible. I piped in and said "sure they are!" I didn't have exact verses at my fingertips, but offered to look it up.

But other than speaking up that one time, I was pretty silent and later on in the day, I was so ashamed that I didn't say more to defend my faith and defend my God. That's not to say that my friends were attacking Christianity, because they were not, but I felt as though I should have offered my opinion, input, insights, ANYTHING!

Last night as I was settling down to go to bed, I decided to open my Bible, which regrettably, is something that does not happen very often for me. In fact, outside of caselaw, articles and legal texts, I find I don’t have time to read much else (or at least that's my excuse). I opened it to Romans 1 and began to read. I felt sick when I got to verse 16 "am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes . . ." was I ashamed at lunch today?

I prayed that God would provide me with more knowledge so that I would feel comfortable sharing in the future. I also prayed that He would make me bold and fearless in my Christian walk, the way that I am in other areas of my life. What is it about discussing my faith and my God that sends butterflies all through my stomach and gives me waves of nausea?
Do I fear being judged? The real judgment I should fear is that of the Lord. I just feel discouraged that I didn't do more… that I didn’t use the opportunity to discuss what I believe.

Fun Times in D.C.!

We are back from Washington and I loved it! The 9 hour drive was perfect. On the way home, we got all the way from Washington to almost Buffalo on just over 3/4 of a tank of gas. I love our little Toyota Corolla... she made the ride very enjoyable! James and I had never driven through the U.S. before and we were both struck by how similar it is to Canada (or at least New York State and Pennsylvania). I thought the whole place would be built up like crazy, with lots of commercialism, but it wasn't that way at all. There were times where we would drive for a couple hours without seeing any restaurants right on the highway. In fact, the highway took us right through the Appalachian mountains, so the scenary was beautiful. I guess my previous view of the States as being totally built up and commercialized goes hand in hand with the view of many Americans that in Canada it is always cold and it is a vast wilderness! Too many stereotypes.

James and I were going to hit Washington really early, so we went to this weird restaurant in Hagerstown called "C&J's". James ordered a coke and it was the biggest glass of coke I have ever seen! It was slightly bigger than his head - we were just dying with laughter. And then, when he was half way done, the server asked if he would like another! He politely declined the offer.

We left Canada around 4:30am because we thought the traffic would be horrendous. Since it wasn't, we ended up getting to D.C. at about 2:30, so we went to Arlington Memorial, since our friend Corie (who we were staying with) was still at work. By the way, Corie is a close friend from law school and she was granted an internship at the Inter-America Commission on Human Rights (smarty-pants!). Below is a picture of her and I in the sculpture gallery... I missed the girl so much!!

After Arlington, we managed to find our way to Georgetown to meet Corie at her house. I loved the neighbourhood! It has a great "village" feel to it, and AMAZING shopping! I'll admit, I picked up a few pairs of shoes!

For the rest of the trip we just went to all the sites. Corie was a brilliant guide! She took us to all the memorials (Lincoln, Washington, Korean War Veterans, Vietnam War Veterans (EXCELLENT!), WWII Veterans, etc.). We also managed to fit in some museums - Natural History, Air and Space, and of course, the Holocaust Museum.

The Holocaust Museum nearly brought me to tears. Everywhere I looked, I was reading or viewing pictures of the atrocities the Jews faced at the hand of Hilter. One thing that struck me in particular was in a video of a male survivor who had been in one of the prison camps and he said, "I kept crying out to God. Why are you letting this happen? Aren't we supposed to be the Chosen people?" What they were facing reminded me of the sort of torture that Job faced and that the Jews faced during their time in slavery to the Egyptians. My heart silently wept for the Jews and their continued persecution and even now, I can feel that ball of emotion rising in my chest. And yet, in this video, the man said that when the war was over, he thanked the Lord for sparing his life... despite all of the persecution, despite losing most of his family and friends, despite the fact that his life had been entirely overturned - he THANKED the Lord. What an awesome testimony of faith.

As one can imagine, we also attended many art galleries. James was in an artist's heaven! The National Gallery (east and west building) and Hirshorn Gallery were excellent. Especially the Hirshorn Gallery with its great number of indoor sculptures. There were two outdoor sculpture gardens as well which had some of my and James' favourite sculptors. What a treat!

We also attended several great restaurants. One, was a Spanish restaurant where we ordered tapas and paella. Unfortunately, after a few bites of paella (a rice dish), James said that his tongue was feeling very weird. He went to the washroom and said that it was bleeding. I know from a friend of mine who is allergic to cantalope and melon that her tongue bleeds when she eats those foods and as a result, I was pretty sure James was having an allergic reaction to something. He said that he felt like he was having a bit of trouble breathing, but after drinking some water, he recovered. So now James has to go for an allergy test. The only thing that he had eaten that night that he had never really had before, was the saffron in the paella. So we think it was that - but it was a bit scary!

Below is a picture from our first night in Washington. Corie and her friends took us to a latin salsa club to go out dancing. (Left to right: Owen, Corie, Amy, moi, and James).